A Conversation with Myself

Hello,

Former blogger here! I figured I should try to take a stab at this again. I used to be heavy on LiveJournal and actually had a decent following :'(

But I went through it one day and pretty much deleted my socials then. Though I could never figure out how to actually get rid of my Myspace. I've been told it's completely gone now but the WayBack Machine is filled with all its ghosts.

I think the internet was different then and I'm constantly fighting the algorithm now...peep the difference between my FB and IG. Whatever...might as well use this space to rant, share and practice my writing...which I'm trying hard not to criticize.

Well Michelle...what do you have to share?

Actually nothing crazy...if I had to pick up from my last Live Journal entry I'm going to circle back to myself at 2007 meeting me now:

Yo! What do you mean you're getting your Ph.D.!? Where? In What? What do you plan to do with it? When do you think you'll graduate? How old are you? Wait, does that mean you have kids? Just one? Girl or Boy? OMG! A girl! But I know you always dreamed of having a little boy...how is it? So that means you got married, right? To who? Really?! Him?!!! I knew you and him kicked it off really well. That's amazing! Oh yeah? You bought a house...fantastic! Bet it's everything you ever dreamed of. You were an art teacher too? Wow! So, were? You mean...? Ok...so if it was good then why did you leave teaching? Oh...ohhhh...what...when??? But why?! Why would you do that?!!! I don't understand! That doesn't make any sense?!!! How could you throw it all away like that?!!! But you're clearly unhappy right now! What do you mean?! I don't want to hear anymore!!! You can't do this to me! I hate you!

19 year old me is obviously pissed, confused, scared, annoyed and overwhelmed with utter anger with me right now. I imagine her going into deep fear and anxiousness trying to figure out how to avoid it all. I can see her retreating and then second guessing everything she says or does. It would immediately put her into a state of trying to be perfect all of the time which she already was trying to do. She would be spiraling, panicking and going into a mode of self protection and avoidance. She would hate me now. She would pick at me, call me stupid and gross. She would scream and yell and cry. I know her. That's exactly what she would do. She would see my hobbies and say just how disgusting I am. She would look at the situation...both financially and mentally and throw up from anxiety. The fear would be overwhelming...she would go further into depression.

But...

If I could, me today would hug her. Hold her and tell her everything will be ok. That things are the way they are but for bigger reasons that even I can't understand. I would tell her that not everything is bad and not all the things are good but they all have a purpose. There's a reason why you went through this and that. There will be so much more growth in your self confidence too...you'll meet so many new people...some will become your best friends...some will become people that hurt you, destroy your trust, take away your joy and make you wish you had never met them. Then you learn from it. And the next time it happens...because it happens more than once...instead of reacting quickly...you react with patience and care and understanding...you become more graceful with each interaction that in turn, you learn that the other person needs the work and not you...it was never your fault. You have a gift of seeing goodness in others...you can also see when a person is ugly inside and you learn to keep your distance. Unfortunately to learn this, you had to walk through it and it was awful and it's taken nearly two decades to come to terms with it. You were NEVER meant to learn it that way but it's okay...you are safe now and even though it's just you and your daughter now, all you can do is hope and guide her to avoid that because if there's anything in the world you need right now it's your child. She is your lifeline...you cannot live without her and you're realizing she can't live without you. You also still create. People say you're good and though you still struggle with that thought...you are definitely better than before and I believe it's because of everything you've been through.